2 Kings 4: Free Write

I can't seem to figure this out.

This "thing" of ours that I can't call

love or hate or simply a habit.

Stood waiting without knowing how to wait,

without knowing that time isn't the only one that needs passing,

it's the me, my endless thoughts biting at my very core every minute.

You asked for jars and all I brought were my hands.

Cupped with cracks big enough to let rocks through.

At times I stood waiting with crossed arms, unwilling.

My cupped hands weren't big enough to hold

my own expectations

my own goals

my own picture of me.

You asked for jars and all I brought were my hands

You still filled it,

with olive oil.

Barely enough to keep its light green hue.

I stood, knowing you wait, ready to pour into whatever I bring

these ill-sealed hands, I bring to You.

You asked for jars and all I brought were my hands

I stand, knowing you will watch me falter,

let the grease stay on my hands,

let the mess mar me, break me,

You asked for jars.

Taking A Minute

This weekend seems like such a blur. I need to take time to self-evaluate. To see if I'm taking things too fast. My mind seems to run ahead of my thoughts, then my body trails along, not knowing what to do. Well, one thing I know is, I love Berkeley. Exactly what I wanted.

I like its incongruency, though I know I'll regret saying this, its bipolar weather, its people, staff, resources... There are so many things I want to get my hands on. I am an eager student fidgeting in her seat, just waiting to start again in a completely new environment.

I'm taking this moment to thank God. I still cannot believe I am going to such a prestigious school. cannot believe that I am among these fellow colleagues so impassioned to learn and absorb the world, all its dirt and glamour. I have unofficially set myself on a pre-Business path. I am glad to be at a place where I can explore for the sake of exploring. I cannot wait til move-in!!

i've been really thinking about the true nature of my actions. it's sickening to see how much of me is influenced by what i think others may think of me. my prayer is that i will live only to please God. Not friends, sisters, parents, elders, teachers, strangers, or me.

The State of Aloneness

I guess one of the many things you learn in college - even if you are at home - is coping aloneness.

Not loneliness, because that word seems to place on the lone subject a sense of desperation, as if a lonely person naturally wants company. A lonely person does not love being alone. A lonely person cannot cope with the very inside of you speaking to you, rebuking you, and attempting to change you. A lonely person cannot handle the self versus self conflict, when you clashes with you on every account.

Aloneness, that's different.

Aloneness is simply neutral. Like right now, I am alone. I am comfortable with speaking with me, rebuking me, and letting it change me. Here I may be alone, but I am not lonely.

I didn't expect all of this time spent with Me to happen so soon. It must be the mindset of a college freshman - ready to tackle the world, to leave home, to learn how fragile our bones are - that invites self-altercation to the door. Well, I think it's here to stay.

i've been reading a lot of other people's blogs lately. wanted to share this with you:

http://apricot-tea.com/2011/01/07/7/

love her writing. sad that she stopped posting on this blog.

oh, how far we've all come.
the pavements,
the doors, and the locks
all rusted and worn
we've watched our feet
step on jagged corners,
over hastily drawn borders,
and into a muddled mesh

of sunny nights and gloomy mornings

we will never live again

like this

oh, how far we've all come

the watchers,

the lovers and dearly loved friends

they've come and gone

and gone away

bone against bone we latched and let go

yet we all knew

we will never live again

like this

oh, how far we've all come.