2 Kings 4: Free Write

I can't seem to figure this out.

This "thing" of ours that I can't call

love or hate or simply a habit.

Stood waiting without knowing how to wait,

without knowing that time isn't the only one that needs passing,

it's the me, my endless thoughts biting at my very core every minute.

You asked for jars and all I brought were my hands.

Cupped with cracks big enough to let rocks through.

At times I stood waiting with crossed arms, unwilling.

My cupped hands weren't big enough to hold

my own expectations

my own goals

my own picture of me.

You asked for jars and all I brought were my hands

You still filled it,

with olive oil.

Barely enough to keep its light green hue.

I stood, knowing you wait, ready to pour into whatever I bring

these ill-sealed hands, I bring to You.

You asked for jars and all I brought were my hands

I stand, knowing you will watch me falter,

let the grease stay on my hands,

let the mess mar me, break me,

You asked for jars.

Taking A Minute

This weekend seems like such a blur. I need to take time to self-evaluate. To see if I'm taking things too fast. My mind seems to run ahead of my thoughts, then my body trails along, not knowing what to do. Well, one thing I know is, I love Berkeley. Exactly what I wanted.

I like its incongruency, though I know I'll regret saying this, its bipolar weather, its people, staff, resources... There are so many things I want to get my hands on. I am an eager student fidgeting in her seat, just waiting to start again in a completely new environment.

I'm taking this moment to thank God. I still cannot believe I am going to such a prestigious school. cannot believe that I am among these fellow colleagues so impassioned to learn and absorb the world, all its dirt and glamour. I have unofficially set myself on a pre-Business path. I am glad to be at a place where I can explore for the sake of exploring. I cannot wait til move-in!!

i've been really thinking about the true nature of my actions. it's sickening to see how much of me is influenced by what i think others may think of me. my prayer is that i will live only to please God. Not friends, sisters, parents, elders, teachers, strangers, or me.

The State of Aloneness

I guess one of the many things you learn in college - even if you are at home - is coping aloneness.

Not loneliness, because that word seems to place on the lone subject a sense of desperation, as if a lonely person naturally wants company. A lonely person does not love being alone. A lonely person cannot cope with the very inside of you speaking to you, rebuking you, and attempting to change you. A lonely person cannot handle the self versus self conflict, when you clashes with you on every account.

Aloneness, that's different.

Aloneness is simply neutral. Like right now, I am alone. I am comfortable with speaking with me, rebuking me, and letting it change me. Here I may be alone, but I am not lonely.

I didn't expect all of this time spent with Me to happen so soon. It must be the mindset of a college freshman - ready to tackle the world, to leave home, to learn how fragile our bones are - that invites self-altercation to the door. Well, I think it's here to stay.

i've been reading a lot of other people's blogs lately. wanted to share this with you:

http://apricot-tea.com/2011/01/07/7/

love her writing. sad that she stopped posting on this blog.

oh, how far we've all come.
the pavements,
the doors, and the locks
all rusted and worn
we've watched our feet
step on jagged corners,
over hastily drawn borders,
and into a muddled mesh

of sunny nights and gloomy mornings

we will never live again

like this

oh, how far we've all come

the watchers,

the lovers and dearly loved friends

they've come and gone

and gone away

bone against bone we latched and let go

yet we all knew

we will never live again

like this

oh, how far we've all come.

Funeral

Their veins were filled with blood thick and viscous

Black suits, black dresses, spread out and scattered

Whispers escape their teeth mumble "Jesus"

Soon, he will turn to ashes gray as stone

And we watch him in his slumber she weeps-

Dry tears, they cannot reach down her cheekbones

While we whisper "Amen" the organ plays.

We watch him tightly bound in cold glory

She weeps. Soon, he'll be ashes fine and gray

Blank expressions and routinelike gestures

They shuffle along the stained old carpet

Towered flowers stand tall for the picture

For now he dwells in a lonely garden

They leave, their veins with blood thick and viscous

She weeps and walks with bones that never harden.

First day of work!

i don't have much to say. i've been praying for a thankful heart, and definitely God's been providing me the mindset of appreciating what I have. Watching "waiting for superman" made me REALLY appreciate the education I received in a prestigious school like University High School. I'm guessing you guys watched the documentary? I've only bawled my eyes out for two films. One is "Kung Fu Panda 2" mostly because I was experiencing hormonal imbalances, and the other is this documentary. So thank you God for letting me learn for four years, letting me learn to love learning, letting me have great teachers, great books, and great students around me.

now i'm sitting at a coffeeshop near work. Thank you God that i have a job, because i know lots of people that are trying to get jobs and have been trying for a while now. I was blessed with connections.

Summer has officially started, and it started off on the right foot. Any suggested readings?? I realized I get lots of time to kill since i'm choosing the bus as my mode of transportation. Some of it will be used to blogging like right now, some will just be set for daydreaming, and the rest, i'm hoping, will be saved for reading. I'm planning to compile a list of books.

beware of sharp tongues!

i do not like- let's fix that- i am not fit for today's culture of jesting and "playing around."

we became verbal contenders, armed with words of wit and rapid remarks, sharpening our tongues while playfully joking among friends and family. it is fun. when you have successfully "burned" someone, or when you admit that what your friend has said about you is quite true. i can handle truth, especially when it's delivered so insidiously. but back to my point, i am not fit for the way people interact nowadays. i am not quick enough for sarcastic comments, nor am i prepared for rebuttals on spot. im just not wired that way. i prefer to keep my tongue dull and blunted.

don't get me wrong, i love this sport. i just love watching it.

my shoulders hurt. it's about time i ditch the backpack. come on Summer, we're all waiting on you.

it is in moments like these i rely heavier on Him. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. I hope for many things, but are those aligned with what God wants? This is the moment where I want Him to intervene and tell me what to do.

I'm clicking my way to confirming a path that will dictate the next four of years of this life. Hoping that God's will is behind it, hoping that it was not my own stubbornness that made this happen, hoping that this is a true act of faith. I pray to Him that my voice is not smothering His. I am giving this one more day.

someone like you - adele

ice water- cat power

dance dance dance- lykke li

together- the raconteurs

the new lupe fiaso album.

This serves as more of a note to self. Check when lent is over!

I can't believe we're almost halfway through april. Time flies too fast.

!!!!

I am officially delivering the news to yalls: UC Berkeley has admitted me!

Now there is a BUT to this, but I will focus on what I've been blessed with, and that is the fact that I have a "dream" school that I can now consider a reality. So thank you God thank you God thank you God. I will tell you what exactly happened, mostly for reasons of keeping record (I picture myself looking back to this post and smiling). I was at a library, doing homework, with the buddies. They have all applied to this school, so we all knew this letter was sitting in each of our mailboxes (all this is electronic fyi). All my friends checked before I did, and these kids... are smart kids. They have gotten into better schools than this one, and YES they were admitted.

Im tired of telling the story now, so im going to stop. I should remember this moment no matter where I am or how old I am, because this is one of those moments. Future Irene, you KNOW this was by His will, because you even whispered it to yourself before you clicked on that button.

To explain about the BUT part, I am admitted for the spring quarter, not the fall. this means, i BARELY made it, and this makes me even more thankful. It was like God telling me, "hey, Irene, that was really close. You know this is all me haha" He's a smart guy.

I need you guys to keep praying for me, there are more schools I am waiting on. I'm happy with what I have, but if any of these letters carry good news, God definitely wants me out of California. More updates to come this week. I love you guys.

Oby, happy birthday!

Grace see you friday!

Jacqulyn I miss you!

goal of the week:

i will work out at least twice a week. scratch that, once a week.
baby steps.

i dont want to go to school today.
i dont want to do my math homework...

i read an article on wallstreet journal that talked about how effective it is to set realistic goals, raising that test score one percent at a time.
maybe i should let that motivate me haha
doing my homework one problem at a time... waiting for those emails one day at a time..
such nice weather today dont you think?

currently devouring her new album to pieces. jeez shes gorgeous





Love this even more!!

he is a wayfarer
wandering in the asylum of broken trees.
he falls over their roots and rocks,
but never touches their broken leaves.
he makes fist over fist
aligns each knuckle to knuckle,
careful to keep his palms from smudging,
their trenches stretching across from coast to coast.
all he's ever learned were words without meanings,
stories without morals,
and names without faces.

and all he'll ever touch will be broken trees,
never their broken leaves.

QT

Exodus 31:1-6
"And I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability, and knowledge in all kinds of crafts [...] to make everything I have commanded you."

My first reaction: Thank you God! Praise the Lord, I needed this.
My second thought: "to make everything I have commanded you"? ... What do you want me to make? Damn it.

And, yes, I need to go out and make disciples of all nations. yes, You have commanded me to love. But you see, what I need, is something more specific. Like, "Irene, go out there and study this, and go here, and do this, and make this much money, marry this man, and blah blah." What I want, is a road map that would just tell me where I'm going.

I'm human. I need to be assured that I'm going somewhere. People nowadays can't get to a grocery store without letting their GPSs tell them to turn left. I need to know that I WILL have money in my hands, that I will get into some school, that at the same time, I'm walking with God and doing what He commanded me to do.

I'm human. I need visual assurance, tangible proof so I won't be nervous for a second, because my faith is so small, because I'm human.


I need a Golden Calf.
My Golden Calf can be college acceptance letters. It can be rebellious thoughts of being a cute 'badass'. It can be a boy. The point is, God's not gonna give me a Golden Calf.

I'm human, and my biggest struggle is resisting from taking off all my pretty ornaments for a Golden CAlf.

what she chose

she chose silence
over words.
she would rather cook in silence -
Drown her anguished heart in the pot of boiling broth,
Chop her choked consonants along with the onions,
Measure the pinches of salt while carefully crafting
her untold stories that will remain buried under her teeth.

she chose repression
over expression.
she chose suffocation
over ventilation.
she chose silence
over words.
she would rather tend to her spices and seasonings,
because for her, to cook is easier than to talk.