to my father's mother.

sometimes i wonder,
if the little cracks in your teeth meant that you were sick.
I wonder
why you always sat and stared
listlessly between my eyes
why, sometimes you trapped yourself
behind walls and sounds and the endless shuffling of
the red painted cards

i wonder,
if you saw me as a child,
or just the daughter of a blood sucking leech son
i wonder,
if you couldve been
the one that told me words of wisdom
if you couldve been
the one that sweetened up my childhood with
sprinkled kisses and mumbled prayers.
But you were ill. and we all never saw it.

Tomorrow

¹³ Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” ¹⁴ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. ¹⁵ Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”
James 13-15

The world makes me feel like I am very very important. Half my brainpower is spent on worrying about the future. What college will I go to? Where will I live? Will I be comfortable?
These questions, I feel, stem not from me but from the world. The world has given me a role to play. Whether it be a student, a sister, a friend, a Korean American, a Christian, there is a standard in which we do about things. And the pressure of having to meet that standard, to fulfill that role, not only brings us down, but also gives us the feeling of existence.
My challenge is, that I'll find my existence in God. I must constantly remind myself that I am merely a mist that will vanish. Yes, I have a hard time accepting that. God always makes me feel small, and no one wants to feel weak. But it's funny how He always comes with paradoxes. These moments, when I completely submit myself, are moments when I am most empowered. And I guess that's the answer to how we find existence in God. Finding strength through Him, having confidence in Him - this is how I can have peace in my heart. This is how I should really exist.

So tomorrow, I will wake up and tell Him: “If it is the Lord’s will, I will live and do this or that.”

must watch!

ok maybe not a MUST watch, but i guess it's a good to watch.

the title is: "Never Let Me Go"
maybe you've seen it?
I first was very interested in it, because of my two favorite actors, carey mulligan and keira knightley. But as I got to know more of the plot and the original book, I couldn't help but to watch the trailer over and over again. It's a sci-fi movie, not so in a conventional way. dont think space and aliens and futuristic things. it's actually set in the mid 20th century. not only was there a powerful message, i just loved the cute child actors (oh child version of knightley is just.. don't know how to explain her). i realized the importance of casting child actors. they set the first impression of a character though they only last onscreen for maybe a third of the film at the most. anyway.. that's how i spent this saturday.

argg

I sat through an hour of korean artists (having a hard time typing that word) doing a show for a new year event. Is it because the only visible musicians are the ones butchering self-expression and originality? When I watch Korean music shows like these, I find myself sighing at the end of each song. Sighing out of pity, because I imagine what these young ( sooo young) people go through to obtain the fame. Sighing out of concern for the Korean culture.
Many of these "stars" get taken advantage of by their entertainment companies. They are often recruited before they turn 16, and are not given much compensation before their debut. I'd feel a little better if they at least got some money. Half of their songs are English words and phrases that are often taken out of context. Girls go up on that stage, lip-syncing, dancing, winking, and more winking. I was even more disappointed when I found out a band was even playing to a pre-recorded song. How do we break out of this cycle? Why is it so hard to find artists genuinely pursuing their passion? I am frustrated. This is what the Korean youth is inspired with.
I realized I am generalizing a LOT. I am in no place to say what's good and what's not especially when it comes to music.
this is what's good for ME right now:

Family Tree

MERRY CHRISTMAS. is this large enough? found this at the Getty and fell in love.

Existential Christianity

Existentialists believe that people look outside to find meaning in life when in reality, existence precedes essence. Existentialists think meaning can only be found in self, not in the actions done by others or the in the patterns of society. Existentialists assert that people can live their entire lives not making one decision on their own. They think man finds comfort in finding meaning and having purpose. Man is afraid to confront the fact that life is meaningless. Non-existentialists fear silence or anything that reminds them that there is no significance in life.
Though many think of these thinkers as atheists, they actually seem to hold onto some type of faith. In other words, there can be an existential Christian, or Muslim, or Buddhist. Now, how can that be possible if they criticize those who seek meaning in places other than self?
This has been in my mind for about a week now since my English class started a unit on existentialism and absurdist drama. It's very interesting, all this philosophy and delving to the core of life and the human thought. But, I'm the type that gets sick of it eventually and ask what the point of all this is.

My answer is, at least as a daughter of God, the relationship between God and man is not solely dependent on the solutions to the afterlife. Following God involves constant self-reflection, and recognizing that one's life is "nothing but vapor." Life "means" something when God comes into the equation. However, He is not some outside force, but One that dwells within the believer. Therefore, his or her existence justifies the belief in God. Skeptics may think God is man's device to comfort himself, but in actuality, following God is giving up comfort. It is a constant struggle. If there is one thing I learned this year, it's that complacency and inactivity means something is wrong. There really shouldn't be such thing as a "spiritual plateau" where we wait for God to work in us. We (i tend to use "we" but this all applies to me) often forget all we need to do is "ask, seek, and knock," for more of Him, because He is waiting to "give, find, and open" for us.

i think this was more of a journal entry for myself. i went off tangent slightly.
Ask
Seek
Knock (isn't that cool?)

Forehead to chin,

Her finger traces

Down hills and slopes of

Recounted tales and

Still raw wounds –

Red like the cherry blossoms

Her mothers sang and spoke to.

She stands before the mirror,

Longing to hear the silent rebuke.

It pleads her not to stand still,

Not to sit down,

Not to let those scars heal.

She, herself, will walk

Down hills and slopes

Her daughters will trace

Forehead to chin.