bye bye finals!!

its over now, and it seemed there was only one thing to do after the end of finals, so i indulged in a record time four hour nap after some sushi and vanilla ice cream. i feel pathetic with nothing else to do but simultaneously it consoles me that i have no school to worry about for now....
i had to write about the extent to which schools should promote individuality or conformity. these are two conflicting ideas that everyone struggles with and schools supposedly are meant to aid students in the "betterment of the individual" and also the "betterment of society"
haha i got carried away writing about it

i believe He has allowed me to swim,
from the coast of complete self-reliance
all the way to complete self-devotion
many, countless times
so that i can look back and
laugh at my foolishness
for thinking the possibility of drowning
when my feet were touching water.

bored in class..

instinct. this is not instinct.
the flight or fight is not my option, i freeze.
fully aware that there isnt time to thaw me out.
like frozen meat, ice red with streaks of white,
i sit with perspiration resting on the cellophane,
reminding me that i am confined before my own reflection.
i need to thaw me out.
i need to fight my deceptive layer, thinner than paper,
thick enough to hold me transfixed.
i need to fight it, by instinct.

written in during a psychology lecture.
what a coincidence that jacky talked about this

the city of irvine was officially under a tornado warning today.
weather is the universal topic of conversation.
you can bring up the weather with a stranger: "its pouring isn't it?" short yes or no. maybe an anecdote or two. Bye.
or even with a mother in awkward phone calls... the topic we rest on is .. weather: "keep warm, love you" Bye.
and here too, i talk of the weather.. we were under a tornado warning! Bye.

the nutritional value of a rainy day

bowl of rice
2 servings of shin ramen
1 bag of hot cheetos
1 can of diet coke
1 cob of corn
fifth of a muffin
1 cup of coffee.

.. not so good.

aspertame

malleable words and thoughts dwell on my tongue
toes found a temporary refuge on the balls of my feet
and i know soon enough they will forget where they came from
all im capable of now is watch me ebbing down to the last sip of diet coke

hi

allow me to introduce my friend Onus.
yesterday he was titled "word of the week"
and he refuses to leave my sight.
Onus's only purpose is to live on my shoulders,
that parasite!
he finds delight in destroying my bubbles with his trailing fingers.
the bubbles i've made after hours of repetition.
blow in, blow out. blow out. exhale. exhale... out
Onus's favorite time of day is
when he sees me and my heavy pair of eyes
Onus likes to scream into my ears
though he can only reach the volume of a whisper,
his silent shriek ebbs endlessly, resonating and reclining on my eardrums
oh Onus that parasite!

ms plath

this constant reminder (like the rectangular bubbles that pop up on your computer screen) gives me hope. that if i put Him first everything will fall in order. i can't tolerate labeling it a new year's resolution for no reason, but it is something that i strive for almost every hour.
wish me luck.
i've been keeping sylvia plath in my bedside drawer for awhile collecting microscopic filth from my room.. i didnt realize how delicious her words are:

jilted

my thoughts are crabbed and sallow,
my tears like vinegar,
or the bitter blinking yellow
of an acetic star.

Tonight the caustic wind, love,
gossips late and soon,
And i wear the wry-faced pucker of
The sour lemon moon.

While like an early summer plum,
Puny,green, and tart,
Droops upon its wizened stem
My lean, unripened heart.

right now i'm ashamed that i swallowed up a whole redvelvet cupcake. forgive me.

in denial

been a while since last update.
zephyr compelled me to type up some words even if they dont seem so significant. i don't want her to be all alone talking to no one but herself. haha
my stomach is going through some issues and i am just on the verge of complaining..
i bet it's because of the nutritious (not really i like to convince myself it was) meal i had.
our entire house smells of burnt corn. it's almost aroma therapy.
i've been waking up with a very heavy heart. and this is literally heavy heart because i don't know how else to describe my condition. occasional sighs help me feel a little lighter, but i don't know the cause of it. it's just the burden of knowing that you have an agenda to fulfill for the day, and the week, and the month... yess i'll say it: i'm dreading school.