ouch

tryna write in this everyday.. for myself
nothing good today. i just watched an episode of grey's anatomy about how just an average day turns out to be your big day. and your "big day" no matter how big you want it to be often becomes just an average day...
melodrama is thee remedy for confusing days. confusion best describes me right now.
and laundry helps too. so i'm doing laundry. mostly out of obligation.

dear diary

i want to regress to the days when the date did not matter
monday and sunday had barely any difference
i want lazy mornings again. no alarms. no hasty breakfast meals that serve as mere sources of energy.
i remember writing that i wanted routines. i wanted work.
just joking.
maybe i'm just never satisfied. like all the other creatures of this world.
i learned about salt and light today. again. he's getting better though.

our house has been full of excitement lately.
we are just eager to move.
yes we are getting ready to migrate to a (slightly) bigger place in the same complex. just one more room.
that will make everything better.
but i think i'm just ready for a change of perspective.
we all grew up as nomads. i'm not used to being in the same place for more than 2 years.
maybe thats why we want to move so bad.

it sucks to play music with no emotion. i felt that last night.
i need to compensate for it.
let the light attach to the broken hue
but dont let it reach my broken skin
the sound of my blood flowing
so audible next to the invisible silence
i say my own heart is the fountain
i say my own head is the book
and they say thats your demise
i say i see no sun rise
i say i smell no flowers
and they say what is wrong
what is wrong?

tired

pp0000

woah iger stepped on laptop and typed that. she's meant to be a writer.. or a typer(or a sitter).
just listenin to denizen kane. im starting to hear words more easily now. i've been really good at eavesdropping too. people talk about the weirdest things.
anyways,, im studying the renaissance and i love it

ah, we are shadows crying for a sign!
ah, sick and sigtless stares the human will!
ah, hope is a mirage that cheats us still!

Petrarch wrote this in the 14th century...
some things in life are so timeless. but usually, they're unwanted things. depression. suffering. hopelessness. oh well, at the least they produce good words.

how was your day?

sunday

i feel like a bat. i've been awake since three, in an hour i will leave for church.
we've all got lists with activities and miscellaneous to do's .. but i realized the "sleep" we never put on our list... apparently i did not. i love staying awake now, camouflaging along with the night, unseen by the eyes still closed. this probably isnt healthy, but there is so much to absorb when no one wants to do so. i'm like the crow that comes to binge on leftover human food.
i witnessed a dead crow stuck underneath a black tire the other day.
it was simultaneously depressing and relieving. it wasnt squashed like it should have been. it looked peaceful in its blackness and wholesome body and its death. at least it received a meaningful funeral. he (i dont want to call the crow 'it' anymore) was scooped up gently by a professional cleaner, adequate to replace a mortician, and thrown into a giant garbage box. and i extracted a valuable lesson from his death drenched in humility ... stuck underneath a tire..
woah that was a long flashback.
it is time for the daylight to strike my eyes ewww

peace

yay taking a moment of recess. oh this moments so sweet.
listening to grace's cd... its sometimes nice to listen to songs you dont know..
it's like meeting a new person, you have nothing to expect
this temperatures perfect too. and i'm so content with all the curry i stuffed in my tummy
a delicious nap would fit so well ...
i like my teacher. he bikes to school everyday. he wears rubbery shoes that remind me of crocs, but a hiking version of those trendy shoes. the ones that don't need shoe laces. all you gotta do is pull on a string and it will fasten onto your feet. so i spend my mornings staring at those queer sandal slash shoes. thinking of a story with the teacher as the main character.
man i dont want this to end
but i dont have anymore words to squeeze out.

i wish you peace

2:50

i'm supposed to be working. but this doesnt account as wasted time.
i've been seeing too many bugs lately. they crawl in through the wide crack under my screen door.
its weird how people adapt so well. i am so comfortable with these little creatures that i watch it enjoy its walk for a while before i kill it with effortless ease. and i secretly like the fact that i have insects that long to be sheltered under my roof. i feel like the vampire that invites a lady for dinner.
ohno im supposed to be working

longtime no see

yes finally. i am here. when i logged on my heart literally skipped a beat.
this feels like home, ready to embrace me and my words.
grammar errors stand as they are here
no numbers exist here, and no letters await to watch me look foolish and tumble down the everdeep furrow.
the thought of school exhausts me, but simultaneously, im contented knowing that i have a routine.
things in front of me are set in stone. wake up. go to school. come back. eat. sleep.
i love stability. i love things i dont have.

lukewarm

today was a full day. i call it full, because i have this image in my head where i personify my 9.9.09 day to be physically full with a giant belly. but yes, today was satisfying. a day spent with good food, good music, good friends, and good "me".
a book taught me today that i'm lukewarm. nobody likes lukewarm.
we all prefer extremities. or we think that way, because moderation is invisible.
i see fat people, or skinny people. overly nice or demonic people. black or white.
things in the middle just don't attract my eyes.
but yes. i officially call me lukewarm, and surprisingly i am comforted. i know which post-it i am filed under in his big office. sounds pathetic, but i admit, i am more complacent with a label.

i am anxious for the first time in months. last day of summer. last twenty three minutes before i dive back into the cycle, the routine.
but one of the many things i am happy about today, is that i bought my first ever cd with my OWN money. technology has made purchasing cds and records unnecessary. and also writing letters and postcards. it was nice to soak myself in the refreshing authenticity.

2:42

yes another sleepless night. but tonight is an artificially sleepless night. caffeine has done its job. and for some reason, i am content in my deprived self.
we all stayed up til 1 to make a nice birthday dinner for ira. but sadly, all the food, because of our tendency to let our hands take control instead of our minds, turned out to be overly bathed in salt. this is probably why my family has a history of diabetes. so now the scent of miyukgook and fish overflow through the uncovered cracks under our door and windows. a smell i am proud to release from my home.

i thrive when my eyelids long to fall on its knees. i feel joy in the midst of the flood of indescribable emotions, ebbing thoughts that recede without boundaries.. i am dancing so freely at this moment and no regulations, ticking clocks, or walls can trip me. this is me drenched in the symptoms of insanity. this is my high.
all is still. my own bones are transfixed in the presence of my latent ego. a slight twist on the joint of my neck make these young bones creak, (and i can literally hear this) groaning in response to the sudden movement. these bones are so spoiled, accustomed to being cuddled in my mothers arms.
suck it up! i have so much more to do.
they have so much more to carry, to endure through.
and this is their training session.

another moment to myself.
i keep fantasizing about being on my own these days.
living at an old place like this in downtown la.
making food for myself.
being lazy. people watching.listening to records. reading. hopefully all this can come true

cant sleep

looks like this is the remedy

sleepless night
clings onto me with all its might
moments of darkness test my endurance
i give in and turn on a lamp
my eyes cringe in the sudden brightness
but slowly adapt to the once blinding light
silence hesitantly invites nostalgia to my door
and i let it wait, afraid of its power
afraid of its ability to awake my dormant weakness
the memories that i struggled to put to sleep
the memories that now refuse to be put to sleep
my neighbor's crying son nudges nostalgia to knock on
and i remain seated, afraid that she's so ready
prepared to witness my home reeking of tasteless novelties
and heaps of her stale remaining memories.
i am afraid to let her embrace me,
to let her allow me to indulge in the sweet past,
to let her peel each layer to reach my puny core.

fortunately, my pride is more vocal tonight
and warns me to keep the door locked.

today

today was too hot. woke up earlier than usual.
had a hard time trying to "peel the onion," which is the method used to allow a person to shed his layers and to get to the core... in a conversation
too technical for me.

this time i'm not in the dark. i have a dim light to guide my fingers onto these worn out keys.
this time i'm not alone. i have two people sitting on a table beside me
but this time i'm stuck. i shouldnt force myself to write.
i keep thinking once i start trying to let words flow out of me, it will evoke this latent source of ideas to write about to vent about, to release.
but today i have none. so i stop. period. but i dont want to....
hmmm

so i'll talk about today
i finished an inNout double double in record time. and i felt like a man. or a hungry growing girl.
ok nomore.

went to school yesterday for registering. it only reminded me how young i still am, and how much more i still have to learn. but simultaneously hit me that time flies. i realized that i am an introvert.
i like to avoid people and convince myself that they don't know i try to do so.

morning starts late in this house for majority of this family. so i'm typing in a dark room even though it's california sunny outside. comparisons kill me. i realized i juxtapose everything: from my bowl of rice to another, a building to a house, and the most damaging, myself to my friends.
the standard is too high for these overachieving, upperclass, (asian) folks and it's time i embrace that and let it go. but i like to keep that ruler next to me, and measure myself next to them... persuading myself that it is only an instrument that motivates me.
achievements weigh more than many things, and i let that drive me.