2 Kings 4: Free Write

I can't seem to figure this out.

This "thing" of ours that I can't call

love or hate or simply a habit.

Stood waiting without knowing how to wait,

without knowing that time isn't the only one that needs passing,

it's the me, my endless thoughts biting at my very core every minute.

You asked for jars and all I brought were my hands.

Cupped with cracks big enough to let rocks through.

At times I stood waiting with crossed arms, unwilling.

My cupped hands weren't big enough to hold

my own expectations

my own goals

my own picture of me.

You asked for jars and all I brought were my hands

You still filled it,

with olive oil.

Barely enough to keep its light green hue.

I stood, knowing you wait, ready to pour into whatever I bring

these ill-sealed hands, I bring to You.

You asked for jars and all I brought were my hands

I stand, knowing you will watch me falter,

let the grease stay on my hands,

let the mess mar me, break me,

You asked for jars.

Taking A Minute

This weekend seems like such a blur. I need to take time to self-evaluate. To see if I'm taking things too fast. My mind seems to run ahead of my thoughts, then my body trails along, not knowing what to do. Well, one thing I know is, I love Berkeley. Exactly what I wanted.

I like its incongruency, though I know I'll regret saying this, its bipolar weather, its people, staff, resources... There are so many things I want to get my hands on. I am an eager student fidgeting in her seat, just waiting to start again in a completely new environment.

I'm taking this moment to thank God. I still cannot believe I am going to such a prestigious school. cannot believe that I am among these fellow colleagues so impassioned to learn and absorb the world, all its dirt and glamour. I have unofficially set myself on a pre-Business path. I am glad to be at a place where I can explore for the sake of exploring. I cannot wait til move-in!!

i've been really thinking about the true nature of my actions. it's sickening to see how much of me is influenced by what i think others may think of me. my prayer is that i will live only to please God. Not friends, sisters, parents, elders, teachers, strangers, or me.

The State of Aloneness

I guess one of the many things you learn in college - even if you are at home - is coping aloneness.

Not loneliness, because that word seems to place on the lone subject a sense of desperation, as if a lonely person naturally wants company. A lonely person does not love being alone. A lonely person cannot cope with the very inside of you speaking to you, rebuking you, and attempting to change you. A lonely person cannot handle the self versus self conflict, when you clashes with you on every account.

Aloneness, that's different.

Aloneness is simply neutral. Like right now, I am alone. I am comfortable with speaking with me, rebuking me, and letting it change me. Here I may be alone, but I am not lonely.

I didn't expect all of this time spent with Me to happen so soon. It must be the mindset of a college freshman - ready to tackle the world, to leave home, to learn how fragile our bones are - that invites self-altercation to the door. Well, I think it's here to stay.

i've been reading a lot of other people's blogs lately. wanted to share this with you:

http://apricot-tea.com/2011/01/07/7/

love her writing. sad that she stopped posting on this blog.

oh, how far we've all come.
the pavements,
the doors, and the locks
all rusted and worn
we've watched our feet
step on jagged corners,
over hastily drawn borders,
and into a muddled mesh

of sunny nights and gloomy mornings

we will never live again

like this

oh, how far we've all come

the watchers,

the lovers and dearly loved friends

they've come and gone

and gone away

bone against bone we latched and let go

yet we all knew

we will never live again

like this

oh, how far we've all come.

Funeral

Their veins were filled with blood thick and viscous

Black suits, black dresses, spread out and scattered

Whispers escape their teeth mumble "Jesus"

Soon, he will turn to ashes gray as stone

And we watch him in his slumber she weeps-

Dry tears, they cannot reach down her cheekbones

While we whisper "Amen" the organ plays.

We watch him tightly bound in cold glory

She weeps. Soon, he'll be ashes fine and gray

Blank expressions and routinelike gestures

They shuffle along the stained old carpet

Towered flowers stand tall for the picture

For now he dwells in a lonely garden

They leave, their veins with blood thick and viscous

She weeps and walks with bones that never harden.

First day of work!

i don't have much to say. i've been praying for a thankful heart, and definitely God's been providing me the mindset of appreciating what I have. Watching "waiting for superman" made me REALLY appreciate the education I received in a prestigious school like University High School. I'm guessing you guys watched the documentary? I've only bawled my eyes out for two films. One is "Kung Fu Panda 2" mostly because I was experiencing hormonal imbalances, and the other is this documentary. So thank you God for letting me learn for four years, letting me learn to love learning, letting me have great teachers, great books, and great students around me.

now i'm sitting at a coffeeshop near work. Thank you God that i have a job, because i know lots of people that are trying to get jobs and have been trying for a while now. I was blessed with connections.

Summer has officially started, and it started off on the right foot. Any suggested readings?? I realized I get lots of time to kill since i'm choosing the bus as my mode of transportation. Some of it will be used to blogging like right now, some will just be set for daydreaming, and the rest, i'm hoping, will be saved for reading. I'm planning to compile a list of books.

beware of sharp tongues!

i do not like- let's fix that- i am not fit for today's culture of jesting and "playing around."

we became verbal contenders, armed with words of wit and rapid remarks, sharpening our tongues while playfully joking among friends and family. it is fun. when you have successfully "burned" someone, or when you admit that what your friend has said about you is quite true. i can handle truth, especially when it's delivered so insidiously. but back to my point, i am not fit for the way people interact nowadays. i am not quick enough for sarcastic comments, nor am i prepared for rebuttals on spot. im just not wired that way. i prefer to keep my tongue dull and blunted.

don't get me wrong, i love this sport. i just love watching it.

my shoulders hurt. it's about time i ditch the backpack. come on Summer, we're all waiting on you.

it is in moments like these i rely heavier on Him. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. I hope for many things, but are those aligned with what God wants? This is the moment where I want Him to intervene and tell me what to do.

I'm clicking my way to confirming a path that will dictate the next four of years of this life. Hoping that God's will is behind it, hoping that it was not my own stubbornness that made this happen, hoping that this is a true act of faith. I pray to Him that my voice is not smothering His. I am giving this one more day.

someone like you - adele

ice water- cat power

dance dance dance- lykke li

together- the raconteurs

the new lupe fiaso album.

This serves as more of a note to self. Check when lent is over!

I can't believe we're almost halfway through april. Time flies too fast.

!!!!

I am officially delivering the news to yalls: UC Berkeley has admitted me!

Now there is a BUT to this, but I will focus on what I've been blessed with, and that is the fact that I have a "dream" school that I can now consider a reality. So thank you God thank you God thank you God. I will tell you what exactly happened, mostly for reasons of keeping record (I picture myself looking back to this post and smiling). I was at a library, doing homework, with the buddies. They have all applied to this school, so we all knew this letter was sitting in each of our mailboxes (all this is electronic fyi). All my friends checked before I did, and these kids... are smart kids. They have gotten into better schools than this one, and YES they were admitted.

Im tired of telling the story now, so im going to stop. I should remember this moment no matter where I am or how old I am, because this is one of those moments. Future Irene, you KNOW this was by His will, because you even whispered it to yourself before you clicked on that button.

To explain about the BUT part, I am admitted for the spring quarter, not the fall. this means, i BARELY made it, and this makes me even more thankful. It was like God telling me, "hey, Irene, that was really close. You know this is all me haha" He's a smart guy.

I need you guys to keep praying for me, there are more schools I am waiting on. I'm happy with what I have, but if any of these letters carry good news, God definitely wants me out of California. More updates to come this week. I love you guys.

Oby, happy birthday!

Grace see you friday!

Jacqulyn I miss you!

goal of the week:

i will work out at least twice a week. scratch that, once a week.
baby steps.

i dont want to go to school today.
i dont want to do my math homework...

i read an article on wallstreet journal that talked about how effective it is to set realistic goals, raising that test score one percent at a time.
maybe i should let that motivate me haha
doing my homework one problem at a time... waiting for those emails one day at a time..
such nice weather today dont you think?

currently devouring her new album to pieces. jeez shes gorgeous





Love this even more!!

he is a wayfarer
wandering in the asylum of broken trees.
he falls over their roots and rocks,
but never touches their broken leaves.
he makes fist over fist
aligns each knuckle to knuckle,
careful to keep his palms from smudging,
their trenches stretching across from coast to coast.
all he's ever learned were words without meanings,
stories without morals,
and names without faces.

and all he'll ever touch will be broken trees,
never their broken leaves.

QT

Exodus 31:1-6
"And I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability, and knowledge in all kinds of crafts [...] to make everything I have commanded you."

My first reaction: Thank you God! Praise the Lord, I needed this.
My second thought: "to make everything I have commanded you"? ... What do you want me to make? Damn it.

And, yes, I need to go out and make disciples of all nations. yes, You have commanded me to love. But you see, what I need, is something more specific. Like, "Irene, go out there and study this, and go here, and do this, and make this much money, marry this man, and blah blah." What I want, is a road map that would just tell me where I'm going.

I'm human. I need to be assured that I'm going somewhere. People nowadays can't get to a grocery store without letting their GPSs tell them to turn left. I need to know that I WILL have money in my hands, that I will get into some school, that at the same time, I'm walking with God and doing what He commanded me to do.

I'm human. I need visual assurance, tangible proof so I won't be nervous for a second, because my faith is so small, because I'm human.


I need a Golden Calf.
My Golden Calf can be college acceptance letters. It can be rebellious thoughts of being a cute 'badass'. It can be a boy. The point is, God's not gonna give me a Golden Calf.

I'm human, and my biggest struggle is resisting from taking off all my pretty ornaments for a Golden CAlf.

what she chose

she chose silence
over words.
she would rather cook in silence -
Drown her anguished heart in the pot of boiling broth,
Chop her choked consonants along with the onions,
Measure the pinches of salt while carefully crafting
her untold stories that will remain buried under her teeth.

she chose repression
over expression.
she chose suffocation
over ventilation.
she chose silence
over words.
she would rather tend to her spices and seasonings,
because for her, to cook is easier than to talk.

today is those days

This man Sean Moeller took the words out of my mouth when I was trying to describe today:

"There are those days when we feel like we couldn't be more lost, as if we're literally fumbling around without any sort of pattern or clear destination in mind. We're blurry on the edges, half seeing things and half seeing right through them. We're breathing in fog, breathing out fog and our teeth are chattering incoherent error messages, making it feel as if every inch of our skin is short two or three heavy-duty blankets. We're off somewhere, for all intents and purposes, gone - out in the ether. These are the days when we feel that, to cut our losses, we should just remain on the sides of the windows where the least amount of damage can be done to us, where we're at least as safe as our belongings, our hoarded stuff makes us feel."

today is Sunday! A day before another Monday, but I focus on the fact that today is Sunday.

to my father's mother.

sometimes i wonder,
if the little cracks in your teeth meant that you were sick.
I wonder
why you always sat and stared
listlessly between my eyes
why, sometimes you trapped yourself
behind walls and sounds and the endless shuffling of
the red painted cards

i wonder,
if you saw me as a child,
or just the daughter of a blood sucking leech son
i wonder,
if you couldve been
the one that told me words of wisdom
if you couldve been
the one that sweetened up my childhood with
sprinkled kisses and mumbled prayers.
But you were ill. and we all never saw it.

Tomorrow

¹³ Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” ¹⁴ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. ¹⁵ Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”
James 13-15

The world makes me feel like I am very very important. Half my brainpower is spent on worrying about the future. What college will I go to? Where will I live? Will I be comfortable?
These questions, I feel, stem not from me but from the world. The world has given me a role to play. Whether it be a student, a sister, a friend, a Korean American, a Christian, there is a standard in which we do about things. And the pressure of having to meet that standard, to fulfill that role, not only brings us down, but also gives us the feeling of existence.
My challenge is, that I'll find my existence in God. I must constantly remind myself that I am merely a mist that will vanish. Yes, I have a hard time accepting that. God always makes me feel small, and no one wants to feel weak. But it's funny how He always comes with paradoxes. These moments, when I completely submit myself, are moments when I am most empowered. And I guess that's the answer to how we find existence in God. Finding strength through Him, having confidence in Him - this is how I can have peace in my heart. This is how I should really exist.

So tomorrow, I will wake up and tell Him: “If it is the Lord’s will, I will live and do this or that.”

must watch!

ok maybe not a MUST watch, but i guess it's a good to watch.

the title is: "Never Let Me Go"
maybe you've seen it?
I first was very interested in it, because of my two favorite actors, carey mulligan and keira knightley. But as I got to know more of the plot and the original book, I couldn't help but to watch the trailer over and over again. It's a sci-fi movie, not so in a conventional way. dont think space and aliens and futuristic things. it's actually set in the mid 20th century. not only was there a powerful message, i just loved the cute child actors (oh child version of knightley is just.. don't know how to explain her). i realized the importance of casting child actors. they set the first impression of a character though they only last onscreen for maybe a third of the film at the most. anyway.. that's how i spent this saturday.

argg

I sat through an hour of korean artists (having a hard time typing that word) doing a show for a new year event. Is it because the only visible musicians are the ones butchering self-expression and originality? When I watch Korean music shows like these, I find myself sighing at the end of each song. Sighing out of pity, because I imagine what these young ( sooo young) people go through to obtain the fame. Sighing out of concern for the Korean culture.
Many of these "stars" get taken advantage of by their entertainment companies. They are often recruited before they turn 16, and are not given much compensation before their debut. I'd feel a little better if they at least got some money. Half of their songs are English words and phrases that are often taken out of context. Girls go up on that stage, lip-syncing, dancing, winking, and more winking. I was even more disappointed when I found out a band was even playing to a pre-recorded song. How do we break out of this cycle? Why is it so hard to find artists genuinely pursuing their passion? I am frustrated. This is what the Korean youth is inspired with.
I realized I am generalizing a LOT. I am in no place to say what's good and what's not especially when it comes to music.
this is what's good for ME right now: