i've been really thinking about the true nature of my actions. it's sickening to see how much of me is influenced by what i think others may think of me. my prayer is that i will live only to please God. Not friends, sisters, parents, elders, teachers, strangers, or me.

The State of Aloneness

I guess one of the many things you learn in college - even if you are at home - is coping aloneness.

Not loneliness, because that word seems to place on the lone subject a sense of desperation, as if a lonely person naturally wants company. A lonely person does not love being alone. A lonely person cannot cope with the very inside of you speaking to you, rebuking you, and attempting to change you. A lonely person cannot handle the self versus self conflict, when you clashes with you on every account.

Aloneness, that's different.

Aloneness is simply neutral. Like right now, I am alone. I am comfortable with speaking with me, rebuking me, and letting it change me. Here I may be alone, but I am not lonely.

I didn't expect all of this time spent with Me to happen so soon. It must be the mindset of a college freshman - ready to tackle the world, to leave home, to learn how fragile our bones are - that invites self-altercation to the door. Well, I think it's here to stay.