feelin good

i feel good.
we are ready to grill &eat some meat that samonim brought for us
i had lunch with some old friends of mine, the ones that make me feel less confident than usual, but at the same time so happy that i can still connect with people i havent talked to for years.
i am happy to see zephyr and jacky's photos
i am happy that my summer looks full of life though i know i have to make some choices.
my college classes conflict with church.. hmmm what to do.
well the point is, i feel good!

i tend to carry more books than i actually need. or even worse, i just carry books when all i do is simply hold them in my hands. i think this helps me convince myself that maybe, just maybe, the words, the knowledge, the thick 1083 pages of the history of modern europe will enter through my pores and find home in my brain. and this habit of mine is not the only problem. right now i'm sitting at a borders, drinking some sweet coffee with an insufficient amount of milk. with the excuse of finding a quiet spot where all its inhabitants are very very study-minded. hmm the best solution to all this would be finding joy in the words i read, joy in absorbing the details.. finding joy ..
that's been very hard to do. in fact, this search for joy would be applicable to all other facets of my life.

blahh

i'm hoping, when you sit before me,
arms folded,
eyes scanning,
that you will see the words that brew in me,
not those written across my forehead.
that you will see me shrink,
before the reflection i catch on your pupils.

i'm hoping, when the Night enters,
through the crevices,
through the weathered down walls,
that she will escort me, swallow me, coddle me
as i stay awake,
as i watch every particle of light shed itself against my jagged edges.

arggh

wow my weeklong break is almost coming to a close. it was very unproductive. i have a mix of emotions right now. i just finished talking to kimberly via skype. i was told to read the bible. so elementary, but so necessary. and missing... in me right now. so many analogies and metaphors float in my head, and i just want to think simply sometimes. simple. one worded. statements. blah. i feel , i cant describe it. i feel like i have weights on my eyebrows.

almost end of march.

i like the feeling of clicking on "new post" like setting new dirt on my field. i feel ready to translate what i have inside and evaluate with what i see outside, and reap its fruits. i do have to say, i intentionally avoided coming to blog though my curious side kept urging me to see how everyone's been doing. i did not want to admit that i've been seeing my own reflection grow dimmer and blend to my walls. i blame the ticking clock for dessicating the oil it me that used to run so smoothly through my veins now it's too viscous like honey it's taking its time. i want to just sit down without worrying about my posture and my imbalance of thought. my mind has been so occupied, not with new enlightening thoughts, but of old. flashbacks that abduct me without noise. i think it's because i've been reading sylvia plath's the Bell Jar. recounting recounting and recounting every action and word that leads to another tale and another event...

power!

even in the midst of a lent on 'secular music' i've been finding myself so attracted to the voice of cat power lately. she's beautiful. i want to see her live someday... i remember when i first was exposed to her then seemingly lethargic voice i found it pretty repulsive now it's almost awakening new senses i never thought were a part of me.

pathetic

i'm at a point where i can see myself so transfixed by the image of my water losing heat.
and it irritates me that i am simply watching myself.
and it is even more irritating that i'm typing about it.