i've been really thinking about the true nature of my actions. it's sickening to see how much of me is influenced by what i think others may think of me. my prayer is that i will live only to please God. Not friends, sisters, parents, elders, teachers, strangers, or me.

The State of Aloneness

I guess one of the many things you learn in college - even if you are at home - is coping aloneness.

Not loneliness, because that word seems to place on the lone subject a sense of desperation, as if a lonely person naturally wants company. A lonely person does not love being alone. A lonely person cannot cope with the very inside of you speaking to you, rebuking you, and attempting to change you. A lonely person cannot handle the self versus self conflict, when you clashes with you on every account.

Aloneness, that's different.

Aloneness is simply neutral. Like right now, I am alone. I am comfortable with speaking with me, rebuking me, and letting it change me. Here I may be alone, but I am not lonely.

I didn't expect all of this time spent with Me to happen so soon. It must be the mindset of a college freshman - ready to tackle the world, to leave home, to learn how fragile our bones are - that invites self-altercation to the door. Well, I think it's here to stay.

i've been reading a lot of other people's blogs lately. wanted to share this with you:

http://apricot-tea.com/2011/01/07/7/

love her writing. sad that she stopped posting on this blog.

oh, how far we've all come.
the pavements,
the doors, and the locks
all rusted and worn
we've watched our feet
step on jagged corners,
over hastily drawn borders,
and into a muddled mesh

of sunny nights and gloomy mornings

we will never live again

like this

oh, how far we've all come

the watchers,

the lovers and dearly loved friends

they've come and gone

and gone away

bone against bone we latched and let go

yet we all knew

we will never live again

like this

oh, how far we've all come.

Funeral

Their veins were filled with blood thick and viscous

Black suits, black dresses, spread out and scattered

Whispers escape their teeth mumble "Jesus"

Soon, he will turn to ashes gray as stone

And we watch him in his slumber she weeps-

Dry tears, they cannot reach down her cheekbones

While we whisper "Amen" the organ plays.

We watch him tightly bound in cold glory

She weeps. Soon, he'll be ashes fine and gray

Blank expressions and routinelike gestures

They shuffle along the stained old carpet

Towered flowers stand tall for the picture

For now he dwells in a lonely garden

They leave, their veins with blood thick and viscous

She weeps and walks with bones that never harden.

First day of work!

i don't have much to say. i've been praying for a thankful heart, and definitely God's been providing me the mindset of appreciating what I have. Watching "waiting for superman" made me REALLY appreciate the education I received in a prestigious school like University High School. I'm guessing you guys watched the documentary? I've only bawled my eyes out for two films. One is "Kung Fu Panda 2" mostly because I was experiencing hormonal imbalances, and the other is this documentary. So thank you God for letting me learn for four years, letting me learn to love learning, letting me have great teachers, great books, and great students around me.

now i'm sitting at a coffeeshop near work. Thank you God that i have a job, because i know lots of people that are trying to get jobs and have been trying for a while now. I was blessed with connections.

Summer has officially started, and it started off on the right foot. Any suggested readings?? I realized I get lots of time to kill since i'm choosing the bus as my mode of transportation. Some of it will be used to blogging like right now, some will just be set for daydreaming, and the rest, i'm hoping, will be saved for reading. I'm planning to compile a list of books.